The director rubbed her temples, looked off into the distance. The middle distance? I don’t know. She stopped rubbing her temples and looked at her hands. “You’re only young for a moment, Lola,” she said quietly. “You should make the most of your life.”

I nodded. It isn’t anything anyone doesn’t tell me all the time.


the disbelief of the young

When I was younger I heard a story about someone falling asleep with her eyes open, from exhaustion, and I believed and disbelieved it by turns.

I am here to tell you that it is entirely possible.


“Where are you going, Miss Lola?” Clary asked me when I stood up. “The bathroom, Clary,” I answered, wondering why it should interest him so much. Usually I get up, sit down, walk around – without incident. “Are you going to be gone a long time?”

“I hope not.”

“Can I watch you in the bathroom?” Amelia gasped. Should I give the ‘he’s a little kid and doesn’t mean anything by it speech’? I wondered. Nah, guess not.

“No, Clary, you can’t watch other people in the bathroom. It’s private time.”

“Are you gonna be back for lunch?” At this point I wanted to see what his mind was working at so intently. “Of course. Nobody takes that long in the bathroom.”

“Mommy does,” he said, looking down. “She goes in the bathroom with her phone and then I have to go to bed.”

I should probably not even say anything about this. Skeletor will only eat me alive and replenish her youth. Or something.



Sometimes I don’t want to go to sleep because it just means I’ll have to wake up what feels like immediately afterwards. As if staying awake for five minutes more of hazy night is somehow better than hearing the dreaded alarm.

But then it’s night and sense-making has been done away with and my apprehension of the next day keeps me from falling asleep.

Or delays it, I guess. I’m not ruling insomnia out as a lifestyle choice but I’m too young – sleep still hijacks my body when it wants to, black bag over the head and hello Siberia.